Answering machine follies
by NOIR Blitz
Summary: What if we could hear the answering machines in the Cullen house? Nobody is safe!


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters mentioned although it would be cool if I did. They are all the property of Stephenie Meyer. I am only borrowing them for this story.

What if everyone had an answering machine? What would we hear when everyone is away? Nobody is safe!

Brriiing! *beep*

HELLOOOO! You have reached the mighty and awesome Emmmmmett! If you want to leave me naked pictures of my sista-in-law Bella, wait after the first beep. If you require someone be sucked dry, wait after the second beep. For all other inquiries, wait after the third beep. If you need to have a threesome with me and Rosalie (*thump!* Loud crash. "Emmett! What have I told you about leaving dirty messages on your machine! Erase it NOW!") Oops, sorry, gotta go. Will fix this at a later date.

Beep… beep… beep…

*Cough* Emmett, you are in really deep shit. If you don't fix the first thing you said, I will send a fake letter to Aro about you planning to "out" the entire family on TV and then, you'll regret this really stupid, lame answering machine message. Fix it now!" Beep. (A/N: that was Edward!)

Brriiing! *beep*

Um, hi. Um, this is Bella. If this is Emmett, hang up now since you only leave dirty messages for me. If this is dad, wait after the first beep. If Edward, wait after the second beep. If Carlisle or Esme, wait after the third beep. All other members of dad or mom's family, wait after the fourth beep. For Jacob or his dad, wait after the fifth beep. All other members of Edward's family, wait after the sixth beep. If Mike Newton, hang up before you experience a world of pain. If Aro… Oops. Sorry, shouldn't mention that. Well, that's it! Sorry, dad, Emmett always floods my answering machine with dirty jokes. He can't help it. Hanging up now!"

"Um, Bella, how COULD you! There's no mention of how I get in touch with you for shopping! Grr! You will regret this. I PROMISE you. There will be hell to pay! Now get over to Southcenter NOW. (A/N: Southcenter is the biggest mall in Washington state). Anyway, you were supposed to be there at 8 and it's already 9:30! And you will NOT take a 30-minute shower or I'll drag you over there naked so don't even think about it!" Beep.

Brriiing! *beep*

Helloooo! This is Alice's awesome answering machine! Emmett, you can forget about leaving messages so hang up now! For everyone other than Bella, wait after the first beep and that includes YOU Emmett! Bella, if calling to ruin my shopping plans, wait after the second beep. If you are trying to make up for missing a shopping trip, wait after the third beep. If apologizing for refusing to play Barbie doll, wait after the fourth beep. If apologizing for insulting my taste in cars, wait after the fifth beep. If Emmett swiped your clothes again when you were in the shower, wait after the sixth beep. If Mike Newton is bugging you again, wait after the seventh beep. If making up for refusing to talk to me, hang up and get over to the house now or I'll beat you within inches of your life so I can turn you into a… oops! Sorry, can't forget about Aro. I'll think of something so get over now!" Beep.

Brriiing! *beep*

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beep… (God DAMNIT ALICE!) beep… Um Alice, Emmett did it _again_. Could you please please please bring my spare set of clothes. If you do this just once, I'll let you buy me a new shirt but ONLY one shirt and I don't mean new socks, shoes, jeans and bracelets. I'm still in the shower near your room. Thanks. Bye!

Brriiing! *beep*

Hello. You have reached Esme Cullen. Please listen carefully as I have had to rearrange who gets to go first. Bella, you're such a sweetie for letting Edward marry you. Of course you don't have to wait. Just leave your message after the first beep. Edward, thank you for the wonderful new daughter-in-law! You are after the second beep. Emmett, you broke the rules again last month so you are at the END! Carlisle dear, of course you get to go next. Jasper, you go after the fourth beep. Alice, you had better not have maxed out your credit cards so you have to wait until before Emmett! Rosalie, you go after the fifth beep. Yes, Alice, you can answer after Rosalie's beep. Emmett, if you leave ONE more dirty message or prank, you won't even get a beep! This machine is designed to not record any messages not assigned a beep. Thank you and have a wonderful day!

Beep… beep… beep… beep… beep… (Damnit mom!) Beep… "Um, Mom, sorry but could you please run to the little girls' section in um, Wal-mart. No, wait, um. Try Target or Montgomery Ward. Just find something Bella's size. Her tag has a zero on it. Is there such thing as a size zero? I'll take care of the rest. Thank you so much mom! You're the best!"

Brriiing! *beep*

Hello. You have reached the office of Carlisle Cullen. Office hours are nine to six Monday to Friday, nine to five Saturdays and closed on Sundays. If you know your party's extension, dial it now. If Esme, dial 1. If Edward, dial 2 and that is NOT for minor injuries such as Bella getting a paper cut! If Alice, dial 3. If Jasper, dial 4. If Rosalie, dial 5. Emmett, if you leave another stupid joke on this machine, I'll cut you from this recording so this had better be important! Dial 6. If a Denali emergency, dial 7. If Buffy Summers or Faith Lehane are trying to kill you, dial Angel Investigations at 213-555-0162.

Beep…, punches 2. Um, dad, what did Emmett do now? I can't find Bella anywhere because her secret power is that she can block my ability to read her mind. I'm sure Emmett has something to do with it so let me know as soon as you can. My stupid cell phone is almost dead so call back fast! Thanks dad. Bye!

Jasper is too introverted to really speak so all calls on his machine are forwarded to Alice's machine.

Briiing! *beep*

Hello. You have reached Rosalie Hale. If this is Emmett, you go LAST because all you do is say what needs to stay in the bedroom! If mom or dad, leave a message after the first beep. If Edward, go after the second beep. Alice, you hit my car last month so you go just before Emmett. Bella, you go after the third beep. Jasper, you go after the fourth beep. Yes, Alice, you go after the fifth beep. Alice, the machine is programmed to disconnect if it hears you say the words "shopping spree" or "credit card bill" so think twice before opening your mouth! Emmett, if you cannot follow these directions to the letter, the machine will disconnect. If you were going to set up a date, press 1 and remember a DATE does NOT mean sex first and then a walk in the park! If you injured Bella again, call Carlisle NOW! Why are you even calling me! I don't know how to set a broken arm! Think, Emmett! Think! If Edward is mad at you for your stupid stunts, press 2. If you wrecked my car again, press 3. If you set the living room on fire again, press 4. If Alice is mad at you for your stupid stunts, that is NOT my problem. If Jasper is mad at you for your stupid stunts, press 5. If Bella is mad at you for anything, press 6. Yes, did you really think I'd leave her out? Edward and Alice would explode if you injured her with another stupid stunt. I value my neck MUCH more than you so don't injure or make her mad too! If you want to have sex, press 7 and wait for me to call back and that does NOT mean I'll be doing phone sex so hang up! If Aro is mad at you, I suggest you pack up and leave the country within 12 hours so WE all don't have to move again. If mom or dad are mad at you, that is also not my problem. If you have something nice to show or give me, why are you calling instead of waiting at home? If I'm not at the mall, I'm at home. We've been together for over 50 years. You should know this crap by now! I'm hanging up now!

Brriiing!

Finger almost presses 2 but hesitates. Moves to 3 but hesitates. Moves to 6 but hesitates. Moves to 8. Emmett realizes Rosalie never assigned him a reason for 8. Emmett drops the phone and bolts out the door for the first flight from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport and books a ticket for somewhere in Russia.

A/N: Sorry it sounds a bit choppy but I'm trying to keep the characters "in character" because then I feel that would ruin the fun. Did you guess who was calling whom? Please don't forget to review! Thank you!


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